So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize