3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
