So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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