There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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