If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
