wanna go halves on a baby?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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