I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
