I'm gonna have a badass scar
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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