____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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