I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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