When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
