you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
