Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
