In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize