I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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