I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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