Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize