Im at strip club and am horny
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
