2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
