This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
