Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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