I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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