a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize