i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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