$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
