Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
