i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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