nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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