So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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