She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
