This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Couch. On fire.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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