you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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