can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize