I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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