ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
