I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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