I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
