I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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