Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
