So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
