Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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