I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize