i can't believe i had my finger in that
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
