i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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