Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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