I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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