I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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