Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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