Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
