I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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