Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize