she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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