My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize