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• (417): View more from Missouri

  on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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• (619): View more from California

  The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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• (818): View more from California

  ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.

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• (917): View more from New York City

  You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.

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• (813): View more from Florida

  Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.

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