I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
