Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
