i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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