The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
