idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Drunk is not a location!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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