I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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