How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
