I accidentally burped into my bong.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
