Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
