does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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