I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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