Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
