You can't special order awesome
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
