you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
